Welcome to the husband material podcast where we help Christian men quit pornography so you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is drew boa and I'm here to show you how. Let's go. Today we are talking about why marriage does not necessarily make it easier to get free from porn. Now, for those of you who are married, you already know what I'm talking about. For me, I even had pornographic fantasies on my wedding night. For those of you who are not married, I want to warn you and prepare you so that if and when you get married, you'll be ready. And in the meantime, when you hear about these problems, you can appreciate the gift of your singleness even more. So here are three reasons why marriage does not make it easier to get free from pornography. Reason number one, your wife is not a sexual object. Sometimes we think, okay, when I'm getting married, finally, all my sexual desires and urges, they have a God approved place to go into bed with my wife. The problem is you're still objectifying her. You're bringing a pornographic style of relating into your marriage where it's still all about you. It's completely self-centered. You know, what do I want? When do I want it? How do I want it? In porn, you get all of those easily in a real relationship. If you want to have an amazing sex life, you have to think about the other person. How can I love her? How can I serve her? What does she need right now? You need to exhibit Christ like character in your sexuality, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. When you are filled up with the spirit, focusing on the other person and you're both loving each other, not thinking, okay, how can I get what I want and release my sexual urges? Man, it unlocks your relationship to a whole new level and that's how God designed it. God did not design your wife to be a sex doll for you, so please know that when you get married, it's not like, Oh, you could have whatever you want sexually all the time. Also you go through seasons like having kids where there will be months where you don't have that sexual intimacy. You don't have that outlet and you need to learn those skills of freedom from porn. Now, when you're not married or if you are married, you still need to learn that so that when those dry seasons come, you're prepared and you know how to meet those sexual longings and urges in a healthy and Holy way. Your wife is not a sexual object. I don't know where we got this idea that, Oh, if she's my wife's and if I really desire her, that it's not lust. It's lust. If it's self centered, if it's objectifying, if it's dishonoring God designed sex to be this act of mutual participation, connection and intimacy, not a replacement for porn. Reason number two, you will be hurt by each other. Ultimately porn is a way that we cope with pain and stress and difficulty. And if you think marriage will take away that stress and pain and difficulty, think again, you will be hurt by each other and when that happens you will want to turn to porn for the intimacy, the pleasure, the numbing, the escape that it was giving you. Just like when you were single pane is part of marriage. Going through conflict is part of marriage. And so there will be times when you want to cope with that through pornography and that makes it harder even when you're married. And the third reason why marriage does not make it easier to quit porn. In fact, it makes it three times harder is because marriage requires triple recovery. If you are struggling with porn and your wife discovers it, there are three healings that need to take place, not just one. The first one is yours as an individual, you need to get free from pornography. The second one is your wife's healing. She is going through a lot being married to you, especially something called betrayal. Trauma. So she needs help. And then the relationship needs help. Trust has been broken. It takes a lot of time and work with professionals to rebuild trust in a marriage. So why does this matter? First of all, if you're not married, I want you to know now is the best time for you to get free from porn. While it's just your healing and not the three healings that become very expensive very quickly and cause a lot of damage. Now is the best time for you to get free from porn. If you are married, I want you to know there are some amazing resources out there for young couples. I recommend dear young married couple, you can find them at dear young married couple. It's Adam and Caressa King from elk Grove, California. And I love their ministry. They have amazing online content and they do online counseling too. So no matter where you're at, there is help available for you. Always remember my friend, you are God's beloved son and in you he is well-pleased.