Find out how God delivered Shawn from deep self-hatred and saved his marriage.
Shawn and Helena Bonneteau are the founders of Secret Habit. Their mission is to help young men and women heal from the effects of pornography.
Listen to the Secret Habit Podcast.
Connect with Shawn here:
https://www.secrethabit.ca/
https://www.instagram.com/secrethabitministry/
Take the Husband Material Journey...
Thanks for listening!
Find out how God delivered Shawn from deep self-hatred and saved his marriage.
Shawn and Helena Bonneteau are the founders of Secret Habit. Their mission is to help young men and women heal from the effects of pornography.
Listen to the Secret Habit Podcast.
Connect with Shawn here:
https://www.secrethabit.ca/
https://www.instagram.com/secrethabitministry/
Take the Husband Material Journey...
Thanks for listening!
spk_0: 0:01
Welcome to the husband Material Podcast, where we help Christian men quit pornography. So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go, everyone. I'm here today with my friend Sean Bon itto a fellow Canadian fellow Bravehearts Certified sexual integrity Mentor. Shawn, tell us a little bit about yourself.
spk_1: 0:32
Hey, guys. I am Sean, my wife, and I actually run a division of a non profit called Secret Habit. The nonprofit is called Open Door Center. We're based out of Halifax, Nova Scotia, who sometimes people don't even know where that is. And we were called here to do ministry back in June. So ah, lot of my life included not knowing where that was. So now we're here, we run it as coordinators for this nonprofit. We mentor, we educate. We were learning the ropes through Cove in 19 and we get a chance to connect with guys like Drew. So we're excited toe young, This podcast.
spk_0: 1:08
Yeah. So secret habits. Specifics specifically helps people with their unwise sexual behavior with pornography and also with betrayal, right?
spk_1: 1:17
Yeah, my wife. Unfortunately, went through the betrayal of my own pornography addiction. So she indirectly probably wouldn't have chosen herself, but has become an expert in that just through healing herself and studied. And now she just, ah, help other women's through that. So it's been an absolute blessing.
spk_0: 1:35
Yeah. You know, I bet some people didn't know it was possible that we're having this podcast in North America. But with four hours of time difference between us, I
spk_1: 1:47
had no idea that. Ah, because in Canada, the East Coast is typically Toronto, which is three hours ahead from where I was from NBC. And you kind of forget that there's a further point. So we've
spk_0: 1:59
learned a lot coming out here. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Sean, tell us a little bit of your story. How did the Lord bring you freedom from pornography?
spk_1: 2:09
Yeah, Well, I'd love to start kind of when I saw pornography, which was when I was 10. I think if we can all go back to when that happened, we realized there was holes and voids in our life, so I saw pornography at 10. There was a void in my life. My mom started start stopped going to church at the time, I was a season where she started drinking and smoking at the neighbor's house. So I was kind of in a place where I was seeking love and affirmation and even just to be noticed. I remember just wanting somebody to ask me, Sean, how are you doing? So that was really a time in my life where there was a huge void. And when I saw pornography, I knew it was wrong, But I could not look away. And I was hooked right then and there. So the next progression of my life kind of was. Parents were emotionally distant. I was in my room, mate, you know, after school, six hours a night, watching pornography, playing video games. So isolation really became my norm. And it created in me a shame where I really hated myself. Ah, fear of people finding out what was going on in my life and really just ah, self hatred that I was steeping solo. I would see other people playing sports and just having a life. And I was stuck even at a young age of like 11 12 13. I already knew that I was trapped. Um it got so bad in my life. At 19 years old, I was starting with erectile dysfunction. I wasn't a Christian, so I was having sex regularly. And it was an eye opener, to say the least, that the young, healthy, testosterone filled man can struggle to get an erection. And it was absolutely devastating. So that was really an eye opener that this was more than just, ah, addiction. I had on my own time in my bedroom. When it became bigger than that I was I was terrified. Um, you know, just a touch on how I found the Lord. It was at 20 years old. I always kind of tell the story from, Ah, from a side of ah wow, that's amazing. But also, while that's hilarious, I went toe a church one morning about 800 people, and the pastor is preaching on sexual immorality, and I always joke that I was probably the only one out of 800 people that was excited that morning. And it wasn't that I was excited because I had found Jesus right away or anything. I was excited because the pastor said you could be free from pornography and Here's the answer. And I had never, ever heard anybody talk like that before, so the hope for my life and salvation was incredible. But what I kind of realized rather quickly was that actually, I have to start feeling more pressure. Like I got baptized and wanted to follow Jesus. But there was no real help around pornography, so I actually felt more pressure because here I was giving my life to Jesus. I should be this perfect person. So that was an interesting time in my life. And that kind of brought me into a place where I wanted to honor the Lord of my body. So I was gonna wait until marriage to have sex. And, you know, I met my wife. I met Helena. We have a bit of, ah, interesting story where she actually came to Canada to explore British Columbia And the nature, Um, she came to be very independent and not really meet a guy. And I was in a place where I was off work. I was in a really dark season of my life. I was I was addicted in a in a hopeless way, like never before, And I remember when I met Helena. And we're just one of those God, you know, those humorist God moments where he says, I'm gonna connect you guys because I can I can make this work. And, um, you know, we started dating, actually through Skype. Josslyn was traveling around B. C. And it was just really easy for me to hide behind the screen with my porn addictions. I remember telling her that I was getting help with porn, which was my way to tell her that I was addicted. But I told her in a way that made her feel like I was actually getting help. But I was lying. So that was a common thread in our relationship. I would lie, I would hide. I would I would escape. And basically what happened was that bled into our marriage. I was actually able to basic the day we got married until about two months in the marriage. I was ableto kind of white knuckle myself. White knuckled my way into not relapsing. And one night I woke up middle of the night. I grabbed my phone into the bathroom, watch porn masturbated, and for the first time, I went back into the bedroom and I had a I had my wife laying in the bed, and it really dawned on me that I had chosen a screen over my wife. God gave me this gift to enjoy sex with, and I was choosing pixels over my wife, and that was a horrible moment. I ended up waking up the next morning in tears was shaking, and I had to tell Helena what I had done and that created, ah, devastating moment in our new marriage. We always say that our honeymoon phase ended just like that. It was absolutely devastating. It's it's great we could laugh today, but it was absolutely devastating. And basically, that was the next, you know, five months of living hell lying and that mood swings and just no connection In our marriage, sex was just physical. There's no emotion. It was It was absolutely brutal. There was this breaking point. Um, Helena had enough, Uh, she had heard from the Lord that she was to cast this vision in this picture for me. She basically said, John, this is what is gonna happen in our life. If you keep doing that, this is gonna happen with us and our future kids in our relationship with the Lord. And this is what life would look like if you quit. And she really casted this vision for me, which wasn't so much an ultimatum. But it was more of her speaking to my language, my personality, where I'm Ah, I like to see something and then get it done. So a guy feel like God really spoke to her in that moment, and, you know, that was really a rock bottom for me. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, I finally realized what I was doing to her and what it was doing to her future. So about a month later, I ended up making the decision to quit pornography. For the first time ever. I had always said, I'm not gonna do it again, but I have never said like I'm quitting. God have tried everything. I need your help. I am sick and tired of doing this on my own. So that's really what change for me in that moment. I know some people always asking what change when you actually made that decision Well, actually surrendered the strength of Jesus. I combined my faith in him with science of things that I was already doing. Practically. And it's amazing for for when those things combined what actually can happen So they see what the Lord dead man is 2 to 3 months after quitting pornography. It was mind blowing this new hope when this life and this energy and this clarity our sex, life or intimacy, our marriage in general, just everything in my life started getting better. And it was so clear that Horn had stolen 14 years of my life. And I had never known a life without porn. And I was so ready to live in the life that God wanted for me. And that's really where secret habit. With birth, I started feeling this life that Jesus wanted. I started feeling life to the fullest, as he says in John and the Gospel of John, and it's like so much of these porn anti porn websites talk about like corns bad. Don't do this, Don't do that. But they don't talk about the amazing things you actually get and you live in when you quit pornography. So that's really where secret have it was birth that's where it comes from. And that's really our whole mission. Is offering hope to people that there's a better life for them and that the life that they can live is better than anything they could imagine. So everything we do a secret habit is about that, and that's really where it's birth. You know, 15 14 15 years of addiction. And I I just am so in all that the Lord wants to use ah, use guys like you and I to do this work.
spk_0: 9:55
Amen. Amen. I'm struck by what you're saying because there is a lot of research out there being published on the harms of pornography. I have a book here called How Pornography Harms by John Fogarty. Great book. There aren't nearly as many books about the benefits of quitting pornography, and maybe part of that is because there just haven't been enough stories of significant multiyear freedom, coupled with ah restored purpose and hope and relationships to really have the ability to do that research. But like Sean, it sounds like this one area of your life was kind of like a domino, and when it fell over, all these other results started coming to fruition.
spk_1: 10:48
Yeah, that's it, man. The domino effect. Israel. I looked back and I I could imagine I I was a very entrepreneurial person in the secular business world. And I probably would have been a millionaire today if it wasn't for pornography. Like I was hindered every single day by my porn addiction. I lived in a fog of fear and self hatred that just never allowed me to excel in the secular business world.
spk_0: 11:15
So it was hindering your career.
spk_1: 11:18
Yeah, I would wake up just fearful. Hate the self hatred. I would be exhausted because I would be upto midnight, watching porn and masturbating wake up with shame. So everything I did was was a result of pornography. And it's like the fruit of the spirit is like the fruit of the flesh, right? I was reaping the fruit of the flesh and it ruined me.
spk_0: 11:38
So now when you wake up and you go toe work, what's the difference,
spk_1: 11:44
man? You know, I we were talking a week or so ago, and it's just that idea of holistic healing like I wake up today and even if I do still have some negativity which we all do. We're not free from that first day. We still live in the flesh and in the world. Ah, in the world today, for sure. Um, what I'm aware of today is that those aren't me. Like I don't live in a negative thought is my identity. I'm not ashamed by a negative thought. I can actually wake up in the morning and have clarity around who I am and whose I am, which allows him to sit down and let's say I grab a journal and I write out even some of the negative thoughts I have. It's actually become easy, simple and easy to say. God, what do you want me to be thinking right now? And I can actually rewire that thought right in the moment When, before you know, I would have I would wake up with a thought and that would be my identity for the rest of the day. It is amazing when you rewire those thoughts How you know? No. I am afraid of this today. You can rewire that to say the Lord is with me, and I'm a conquer and everything he brings me into. It's amazing how opportunities just kind of flow into your life when you're prepared to just take on anything that war brings your way. And I do believe that pornography hinders the Lord from working in your life. And I believe that's why a lot of people don't actually live in the purpose God as for them, and they're actually tired every day. They always ask like, Lord, what do you want to do with my life? We see a lot of people in their fifties and sixties working dead end jobs because they they never asked the Lord toe, show them and they never stepped into it. So I know it's Ah, it's hard to believe how much it impacts, like the work life. But we've entered full time ministry, and it's unbelievable how being free from all that stuff that has allowed us to actually minister not just work for the Lord but actually minister and be his vessels.
spk_0: 13:38
Yeah, that's fantastic. I feel like there are a lot of people who are struggling with porn like, Oh, yeah, it's it's part of my life and I'm probably always going to struggle with it at some level, and there's a bit of hopelessness around that. There's a bit of a kind of a resignation to this fact of life that I'm a sexual person and I need a sexual outlet. So I'm kind of doomed, um, sexually speaking and not realizing that maybe maybe instead of trying to solve our problem with energy or work or relationships if we could knock down this one Domino, I mean, just imagine the, uh what would be unleashed? Yeah. Um, with living out my identity in Christ, experiencing real intimacy, having freedom to pursue my calling Yeah, health, wholeness, abundant life, man, it's on the other side of this one journey. Uh, Teoh sexual redemption. Right now in our world, with the pandemic of cove in 19 it seems like a lot of things might beam or important than freedom from porn. Like getting my finances together or figuring out what I'm going to do while I'm alone at home and socially isolated. Mean, Sean, why is freedom and healing a priority right now? Why is it a bigger priority than trying to survive socially or financially?
spk_1: 15:22
Yeah, again goes back to the holistic healing. I think that if we as Christians believe that Jesus is our foundation. Everything else is built on that foundation, right? If we believe that when we tie Jesus will bless that and we're sewing and we will reap. We always have to look at our life is what are we sowing? So when we think about just building security around financing stuff, not really showing anything, we're just protecting what we have. So when we actually quit things like pornography and work on our character and build our our faith and actually experienced Jesus, experience life and and build intimacy in our marriage or with a partner, we're actually sewing into the future so that when we walk into it, we can actually reap a reward. We're investing instead of just living in the now right. It's good to be president, but we always have to be investing. So we become better, greater people closer to sanctification. And that's one thing that I see all the time. It's like it's easy to fall into the trap of like, I'm good enough, but then you're only as good as today, and that's something I always have to remind myself of. So, yeah, you know, it's easy to get caught up in finances and the things right now toilet paper and all that stuff. But we need to realize that there is Ah, there's, ah bigger cause than just surviving right now, right? Like our faith in sanctification the life we live in the future, the pandemic will end. And if we only have our finances, what else are we gonna have like Are we going to build ourselves so we can actually make more finances from the pen em again that we're gonna build ourselves? We could have a greater marriage when we can get back outside and start living that regular routine. Are we gonna, you know, do something that actually evolved into something greater later or not? Just for the president moments? So it's It's so holistic.
spk_0: 17:11
That's a good thought that right now everything is telling us to be concerned with the immediate Yeah, what's right in front of you mentioned toilet paper. For me, it's diapers. I kind of some diverse for my two year old. But what's urgent is not necessarily what's important. And underneath what you're saying, there's this assumption that the most important person and priority in our lives is Jesus. And if the number one obstacle to abundant life in him is pornography and our sexual struggles. Then that's where we need to focus right now, um, perfect and seek the kingdom of God and let everything else fall into place. And this almost sounds prophetic to me. I'm not a very prophetic person, but I just feel like that's what I need to hear right now.
spk_1: 18:02
So good. I need
spk_0: 18:03
to hear it to thank you for reminding me like Jesus. Number one relationship with him comes before anything else and pornography. I think from most of us. For me, especially was evidence that there was something in the way between in that there was this self hatred, this fear, these unprocessed wounds from the past. I mean, if we can get through those, then we could have so much more peace when we're dealing with the finances. Yeah, when I'm trying to navigate my marriage when we're in the house together all day,
spk_1: 18:45
that's it. Yeah, You hit a man, that's that's the biggest thing is even now being were full time ministry. So we fund raise our salary, and it really wasn't until we started giving everything we had to Jesus that the phone started ringing for people to give. Like it's been a radical experience that when we're trying our hardest toe make people you know want to hear about secret habit and donate man, it just doesn't happen. But when we just surrender to the Lord and do what he wants, we wake up and asked, Jesus, what do you want us to do today and in just a tie into, like, two stories for me? Like if we go back to when I when I made the decision to quit pornography was surrendering to Jesus and then working the practical steps, it wasn't doing the practical steps, hoping Jesus would bless them,
spk_0: 19:34
right? Amen. Surrendering to
spk_1: 19:36
Jesus, then building on top of it, right?
spk_0: 19:41
Absolutely, Absolutely. And if you're out there wondering, OK, what is this connection between surrendering to Jesus and quitting pornography? I just want to share a Bible verse. This is from first Thessalonians four says it is God's will that you should be sanctified, that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, everybody else who do not know God and for God did not call us to impurity, but to live a holy life. So there you have it crystal clear. That's God's will for us. At least that's a big part of it. So maybe if you want a breakthrough in your career, in your relationships or in some area of your life, maybe you need to start pursuing God's will in this area of sexuality first and Sean, I just think it's so cool that that's what brought you to Christ. Never a story like that
spk_1: 20:46
before. It's true. Yeah, it's It's amazing, man. And you know what? The pastor that was preaching that message ended up becoming a great light to me. He married Helena and I, and it's just amazing how God would use a story like that. And I was just at a place where basically for me, man, I had I had told myself, Sean, you have tried everything to find comfort in life. You've tried everything that the world tells you should work and its stocks. Everything you've tried, sucks. It failed its miserable. Why don't you try Jesus? Because everyone who's talking about Jesus is is on fire. Yeah, like that was basically a moment I had in my life. And that was the other moment. I was gonna say It's like I had to surrender to Jesus to then begin a new life.
spk_0: 21:31
Yeah. Yeah. And that's the beginning. That that's getting right. That's not the Band Aid. That's not the final solution. Jesus. Then takes you on a journey with a lot of courage. Risk and practical actions evolved every day. No. Yeah. We drove 8000 kilometers to move to Nova Scotia to do his work. So he'll take you on a journey, that's for sure. Yeah, 8000 kilometers. And who knows how many miles emotionally? Yeah. Yeah, that's for sure. Um, so, yeah, it's so cool to be on this journey with you, and that's one of my prayers. Is that through people finding how much freedom from porn is available in Christ, they would become Christians? Yes. No, um, when they see the transformation that's taking place, um, when we receive his power and his presence, I mean, that's probably actually when I look back, that's the biggest evidence that I had that the resurrection Israel because he resurrected me in my sexuality,
spk_1: 22:41
a man
spk_0: 22:42
and in my spirituality and and from my lonely, dark pit of despair. So,
spk_1: 22:49
yeah, when we look back at our lives, Drew, it's It's surreal to think who we get to be today because God's resurrection power. So you're right men. I I Sometimes I forget to reflect on that. But if I look back right now, it's almost enough to bring me to tears because it's it's scary How brutal my life Waas.
spk_0: 23:07
Yeah, and now you're helping others who were in that same situation that you were in. What does that look like?
spk_1: 23:17
That looks actually a little different than we had thought. So we originally had secret habits started to help young newlywed couples because we believe that, you know, you buy a new car, you get a manual. But when you have a child and get married, there is really not a lot of good quality help. So we really saw that our young marriage was affected by porn and we didn't really have anybody to go to for help. So we thought, but and we start secret, happen to help young married couples So we started with the idea to do mentoring, uh, certify with brave hearts. We love the idea of being a Sherpa guide and a mentor to these people. So we still mentor. We love mentoring. Ah, Helena does the women. She actually has her own pornography addiction is well, so she'll help women that have struggled or are betrayed. I'll work with men at any age, really. But one thing has been added to our layer of helping is actually the opportunity to go into public schools and educate on the harms of pornography. On the research of pornography, on the healing of pornography. On the beauty of the other side, we get to talk about topics like consent, healthy consent, human trafficking. So it just really added a layer to our ah, your ministry. That's been an absolute blessing, cause we believe that pornography is the reason why there's demand for trafficking. So we're just so excited to be able to not only offer education but then mentor those people that here the education in need a light to get out of that life. So we do that and then we're just so excited to continue to learn how toe create content to equip leaders. So that's kind of our next leg of the journey. This cove in 19 has opened up opportunities, starts thinking about maybe doing things sooner than we thought. But yeah, mentoring czar passion. We love speaking in educating as well, but we're so, ah, I don't know, invested in mentoring and learning how to go out of better help people, cause yeah, there's a lot of good help out there, but there's a lot of bad help. And we see people come to us so often with this story of I saw this counselor and they told me this, and I just I can't believe how painful some people story is and it's actually the pain from someone who should have been able to help them.
spk_0: 25:24
Yeah. Yeah. So many have tried everything or felt like they've tried everything like, Hey, I do what my pastor told me. I read my Bible more. I prayed more. I saw the counselor. I joined the accountability group. I you know, I got the software. Yeah, nothing's working. Yeah. So, Sean, how can people get in touch with you and your
spk_1: 25:47
wife? Yes. So our personal website is secret habit dot c A. If you didn't want to look into open door center, their website is open door center dot com. You can learn a little bit more about the full spectrum non problem we work for.
spk_0: 26:01
Yeah, and I love that because we need people to be offering this open healing at every stage. So for kids, for young, single guys, for people approaching marriage, people, newly married people who have been married and they're going through uncredible e difficult process of trying to avoid divorce and some of us arm or on the back end of cleaning up damage and some of us air preventing. And it sounds like you are, you are here both preventing it from your presentations and then also helping people heal from it. Um,
spk_1: 26:41
you're mentoring. Yeah, that's right, man. And that's been a huge blessing because we love to do both. So, yes, someone can connect with us your secret habit dot C A would be the best R e mails and contact info is on their, um, are nonprofit Open door center actually helps youth in Canada, and you think Canada are basically 14 to 35 So if
spk_0: 27:01
you're 35 you think your old you're you're actually a youth, so we really will
spk_1: 27:05
help anybody that has a similar story to us. We believe that porn is no respecter of age. If someone 60 and has the same story that we add, we don't believe that there any different than we are. So we do think we can help them. So as long as somebody has a similar story, we are totally open and available to help. And with Kobe 19 we actually have some extra time right now to be venturing Mawr and offer time for podcast like this. So reach out. Yeah, we're here in a place where we want to be adding value, and we just believe that that's us sowing seeds. And we just believe the reward will be reaped down the road when we just add enough value. And as a nonprofit, that's the name of the game is just adding value and making sure people know that there's hope a
spk_0: 27:44
man Sean, thanks so much for joining us on husband material today. What is your favorite part about freedom from four
spk_1: 27:51
Freedom from foreign man? Well, it's been tied into everything we've talked about. And it's really for me the intimate and constant relationship with Jesus. It has transformed everything in my life. Uh, when I was addicted, I was unable to experience the incredible life that Jesus had. For me, it was almost like there was this fog or this veil over my eyes. And I would wake up every day feeling like I had to earn his grace because of what I had done the night before. So I was never able to understand the gravity and the beauty of Across Like when Jesus looked to the criminal and says, You will be in paradise with me. I could never see myself as that person because I thought I was much worse. So the intimate, constant relationship with Jesus experiencing him and knowing him is what has allowed me to live that holistic life to actually be able to quit pornography toe have the marriage I have today tohave purpose that I have today to actually step into ministry. Man, I don't think I would ever be able to do that if I wasn't surrendered to Jesus and had quit pornography. So those two things, it starts with a foundation of Jesus. The first layer, I believe, is quitting pornography. And then everything else builds on top. And when we look at the parable of the man who built this house on the rock, that storm still hit, everything still happen. But it was rock solve it. So I just look at Jesus as that solid rock and without quitting pornography, I would never have that solid rock. I would be living on sand my entire
spk_0: 29:16
life. Amen. Men, This has been so great, Sean. Thanks for joining us and for everyone else out there. Know that husband material also offers individual coaching. You can sign up for a free coaching session. It drew boa dot com and always remember, you are God's beloved son in you. He is well pleased.