Husband Material
So you want to outgrow porn. But how? How do you change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship? Welcome to Husband Material with Drew Boa, where we answer all these questions and more! Each episode makes it easier for you to achieve lasting freedom from porn—without fighting an exhausting battle. Porn is a pacifier. This podcast will help you outgrow it and become a sexually mature man of God.
Husband Material
Play, Awe, & Porn Addiction: A Polyvagal Perspective
In this episode, you'll learn two powerful antidotes for porn addiction: play and awe. Ready for a deep dive into neuroscience? According to Polyvagal Theory, play and awe are both "blended states" that regulate your autonomic nervous system through connection instead of disconnection. Play is not peripheral. Awe is not optional. These experiences are essential for the health of your brain!
Watch the video at www.husbandmaterial.com/play-awe-porn
Related podcast episodes:
- Porn And Polyvagal Theory (with John Kilmer)
- Why Men Need To Play (with Dr. Michael Crocker)
- Master Your Nervous System (LIVE)
Recommended reading (these are paid links):
- Anchored by Deb Dana
- Polyvagal Theory in Therapy by Deb Dana
- The Sex Talk You Never Got by Sam Jolman
Take the Husband Material Journey...
- Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube
- Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community
- Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn
- Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy
Thanks for listening!
Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa and I'm here to show you how let's go. Today, I am going to introduce you to two powerful antidotes to porn addiction play and awe. Why are we talking about this?
Speaker 1:Well, two weeks ago, at the Husband Material Healing Weekend in Utah, I was e-biking through Zion National Park with nine other men. It was so fun. We were playing, we were having fun and we were standing in awe of the natural beauty that surrounded us. If you've never been to Zion Canyon, the cliffs, the rocks, the colors are just incredible. And as we biked through the canyon, it was deeply regulating. We were doing intense healing work, intense trauma work that weekend, and this was a chance for us to come up for air and breathe and have a little bit of fun. I absolutely loved this little adventure, especially because it was so inclusive. E-bikes allowed everyone to participate and everyone had a great time.
Speaker 1:As we returned back to the house, I started to explain to the other guys why that adventure in Zion Canyon was not an interruption from the healing work we were doing that weekend. It was actually an essential part of the process and I will admit it's a little bit scientific, it's a little bit technical, but if you stay with me, I want to explain some of the science of play and awe and why they are not optional. They are essential for men outgrowing porn and we're going to talk about it through the perspective of polyvagal theory. When I started to explain this to the other guys at the healing weekend, they said you should make a podcast about it. So here we go Play, awe and porn addiction a polyvagal perspective. And if you want a more basic introduction to polyvagal theory, go back and listen to our episode Porn and Polyvagal Theory with John Kilmer. I first learned many of the concepts I'm about to teach you from Deb Dana. She has simplified polyvagal theory in a way that's easy to understand, it's relatable and it's extremely practical, especially for men out growing porn. So if you want to learn more about polyvagal theory, definitely check out any book or resource by Deb Dana. I am going to be using Deb Dana's polyvagal flip chart so if you are listening to the podcast only, you might want to go down to the description and click the link to watch the video for this, so you can get these visual illustrations that are really helpful for understanding what I'm about to share.
Speaker 1:First of all, what is polyvagal theory? Essentially, it's a way of understanding your autonomic nervous system. Autonomic nervous system Autonomic means self-governing, so the nervous system helps to govern our body and our physical state, and within the nervous system there is the sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is responsible for mobilizing us, for energizing us, for mobilizing us, for energizing us, charging us up to take action, especially when we don't feel fully safe, so when you're feeling anxious, irritated, sexually aroused or when you feel the need to people please. That is all your sympathetic nervous system, charging you up to take action in response to some kind of stimulation. Your sympathetic nervous system includes the survival reactions of fight or flight or fawn, which you might think of as people pleasing, and all of this is really helpful for us. It helps us to perform, it helps us to protect ourselves and others.
Speaker 1:Your sympathetic nervous system is fast, it's almost automatic, and many of us often are going through life in a very sympathetically activated state of being stressed out or of being always performing, always working, always trying really, really hard. That's your sympathetic nervous system. You might think of your sympathetic nervous system as the gas pedal that helps you accelerate in terms of your energy. The parasympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, helps you rest and digest. It helps you calm down. If your sympathetic nervous system is like the gas pedal, then your parasympathetic nervous system is like the brakes. And the most important nerve in this whole system is called the vagus nerve, and polyvagal theory describes how the vagus nerve is divided into two pathways the ventral vagus and the dorsal vagus. Essentially, your parasympathetic nervous system has two ways to calm down to connect or disconnect. The ventral vagus helps you connect, the dorsal vagus helps you disconnect, and I know this is a little bit complicated, so bear with me and it will start to make sense very soon. Deb Dana has taken the polyvagal theory and simplified it into one picture that we might call the autonomic ladder, and I'm showing a picture here of the autonomic ladder. You can find lots of different images online that give you variations of this, but essentially this is a picture of your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system.
Speaker 1:When you're angry, when you're anxious, when you're trying really hard to get things done or to get somebody to like you, your sympathetic nervous system is activated, and Deb Dana calls this a neuroception of danger. You're mobilized, you're action-taking, you're in fight and flight At Husband Material. We often use the language of being triggered, which is another way of saying I'm being sympathetically activated. And when you are triggered, when you are dysregulated and you feel a lot of energy going through your body, maybe it's sexual energy, maybe it's emotional energy, maybe it's just physical tension. Physical tension.
Speaker 1:When you are in this middle part of the ladder, you have two options given to you by your parasympathetic nervous system. Option number one is to connect and option number two is to disconnect. Those are the two vagal pathways. The ventral vagal pathway takes you into connection and the dorsal vagal pathway takes you into disconnection. Many of you have experienced this. When you feel a strong sexual urge, that energy needs a place to go. Your arousal is creating tension, it's restlessness, it feels the need for some kind of release and there are two ways to get that release Connection and disconnection. So these three physical states make up the autonomic ladder Ventral vagal connection, sympathetic activation and dorsal vagal disconnection. When you feel safe and social, you're in ventral vagal connection. When you feel at home, like you can just be yourself, you're in ventral vagal connection. When you feel ashamed, shut down and overwhelmed, you're in dorsal vagal disconnection. When you feel angry or anxious or even sexually aroused, you are in sympathetic activation.
Speaker 1:Every day of our lives, in every moment, throughout the day, we are moving between these states. Sometimes we get stuck in one of the states and it's hard to get out. For example, the other day I went through a shame storm. It felt like I was at the bottom of a deep, dark pit and no one could reach me. Even when my wife tried to talk to me, it was like I was too far gone. It was like I was too far gone. That is being stuck in dorsal, vagal disconnection.
Speaker 1:When your autonomic nervous system is stuck in sympathetic activation or dorsal vagal disconnection, porn can get your body and brain unstuck Like not much else can, and that's part of why it's so powerful. That's why we like to say porn is not primarily a problem, it's a solution, and specifically it's a solution to feeling stuck in your autonomic nervous system. Now how can you get unstuck, my friends? There is so much hope and healing and growth in becoming more skilled at moving up and down the autonomic ladder and being able to change the state of your nervous system, you get to a point where you don't need porn Because you have ways of coming back to this place of connection that don't require any kind of unwanted sexual behavior. I think all of that is so cool, but here's where it gets really interesting. There are more states on the autonomic ladder than just these three combinations of the three states, which are called blended states or mixed states. That can help train your brain to move up and down the ladder so you don't get stuck and so that you don't need something like porn as much to be able to regulate. Let me tell you about blended states and mixed states, including play and awe. Here we go. If you're watching the video, take a look at this.
Speaker 1:The ventral, vagal and sympathetic systems work together to activate the state of play. Think about what happens when you're playing a board game or a sport or just having fun with friends. You go back and forth between sympathetic activation and ventral vagal connection. At one moment you might be cheering each other on, at another moment you might be talking trash or making jokes. You might yell and scream when you score a goal or you miss a shot, but in the end you shake hands and you hug. Play allows you to be charged up and connected at the same time. As Deb Dana points out, play is powerful. It's essential brain training, both in childhood and in adulthood.
Speaker 1:Play is the work of children. When kids are playing, they're not just having fun, they're learning, they're growing, they're socializing. And the same is true for adults. When we feel safe to banter back and forth and try our best and win or lose and hug at the end of it, we learn to be able to come out of sympathetic activation into connection, and back and forth, and back and forth. Play is a powerful regulator. Healthy play combines sympathetic activation with ventral vagal connection and the result is so much joy.
Speaker 1:However, play is not the only blended state. There's also a blended state that combines ventral vagal connection with dorsal vagal stillness, and that is the experience of awe. In this chart, deb Dana calls it being safely still, which is another beautiful, powerful experience. When you look up at the stars or watch the sunset, or when you listen to a beautiful piece of music with your eyes closed, you experience something that stops you in your tracks, but it doesn't leave you stuck and frozen. It leaves you feeling inspired, it leaves you feeling connected, even if you're alone. Through awe and wonder, you can still experience connection, and this often happens through experiences in nature. Even just going out for a walk and looking at the leaves on the trees and watching the clouds in the sky can create a sense of awe and wonder, stillness and safety, and it reminds me of the encouragement we have in scripture when God says be still, be still and know that I am God. Just like play, awe is really good for your brain. When you allow yourself to experience wonder. Even if it's just going for a walk outside and looking at the leaves on the trees, you're doing something that you might not even realize has an effect on regulating your autonomic nervous system.
Speaker 1:However, play and awe are not the only two blended states. There's one more blended state that combines sympathetic activation with dorsal vagal disconnection. I wonder if you can guess what this blended state might be Something that gets you excited and yet also leaves you feeling disconnected. Something that simultaneously numbs you and takes you away from your body and yet also floods you with chemicals and stress hormones and things that make you feel like your brain is on fire. Well, if you haven't guessed it by now, I believe that the blended state more people should be talking about is the state of addiction, and especially when it comes to porn, we feel simultaneously electrified and interested and also not fully ourselves. It's really remarkable how porn makes it easy to go back and forth between excitement and low energy, between arousal and deep shame. So when we use porn we are myelinating or reinforcing the neural pathways in between sympathetic activation and dorsal, vagal disconnection, making it harder and harder to connect and to find health, safety and our true selves. I also think addiction, and especially porn addiction, mimic the other two blended states.
Speaker 1:Sometimes porn can serve as a form of play. I often talk to men who have very little play in their lives. They're either working really hard at their jobs or maybe taking that's important, or they feel like it's just impossible that a part of them would protest and seek some kind of release, some kind of escape from this constant performance. And porn is functioning as a form of play. If you're someone who is constantly working, taking care of others, stressed out and exhausted, maybe porn is the substitute in your life for authentic play, self-care, life-giving activities. When those things are lacking and you're starving, porn gives you a way of being playful. It's kind of naughty, maybe the part of you that's drawn to something naughty or drawn to something that goes against your values or your rules is really this playful part of you that's been suppressed, that's starving for an outlet and maybe porn is the closest thing to play in your life. And porn can also give you a counterfeit sense of awe, awe and wonder at this artificial beauty, just simply sitting there and staring, but not being changed for the better, being changed for the worse.
Speaker 1:This year Sam Joelman wrote a book called the Sex Talk you Never Got, and in that book he casts a vision for sex as intended to be full of play and awe and wonder, and porn is a counterfeit of that. Porn is like a parasite that preys upon that and gives you a version of play and a version of awe that's ultimately poisonous. So I would go so far as to say that porn exploits your need for play. Porn exploits your need for awe and it fuels addiction. When your life is full of monotony, maybe the urge to watch porn is actually a part of you that's longing for awe and beauty and wonder. When you feel pressure and stress and performance, maybe the part of you that wants to go back to porn really just needs to play. What if these are some of the needs that you haven't identified, that are really at the core of why you keep going back to porn, why you keep going back to porn? And maybe this explains why it's easier to stay away from porn when your life includes these experiences of healthy play and jaw-dropping awe, because your soul is being filled up, because your brain is getting what it needs to regulate your nervous system with these powerful blended states. It's like brain training.
Speaker 1:You may think play is peripheral. You may think awe is optional. Yeah, it's nice to experience that every once in a while, but it's not really important. Man, I want to challenge you. Play and awe need to be priorities in your life, and part of the reason why is because you are not a slave, you are not a servant. You are God's beloved son. Play is your birthright. Awe is what you are created for, and to experience those things is what your father desires for you, and I think the enemy knows desires for you, and I think the enemy knows that if you get more of that wonder and beauty and fun and joy in your life, then porn is going to have less power over you.
Speaker 1:So what's the takeaway from all of this science and all of this polyvagal perspective. My friend, go play, have fun. My friend, go play, have fun. It's not selfish, your brain needs it and although you can't force yourself to experience awe, you can slow down, you can breathe and you can notice the beauty around you. No matter where you live, no matter what your life circumstances are, the world is full of wonder and when we learn how to see it, we're not as captivated by the counterfeit Practice play, experience awe and outgrow porn. If you want to hear more of my insights on what it really looks like to outgrow porn, go to outgrowporncom. And always remember, my friend, you are God's beloved son and in you he is well-pleased.
