Glimmers: The Opposite Of Triggers

What exactly is a glimmer? Why do glimmers matter for outgrowing porn? Learn 3 ways to get the most out of your glimmers—maximizing moments of joy, peace, and connection. 

Related episodes:

• Porn and Polyvagal Theory (with John Kilmer) 
• Play, Awe, & Porn Addiction: A Polyvagal Perspective 

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Transcript

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Welcome And The Big Why

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to the Husband Material podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go.

Triggers Versus Glimmers Explained

SPEAKER_02 0:19

Have you ever felt tired of being stressed out and sexually tempted all the time? Do you ever wish you could take a break from constantly feeling triggered? Then you need to know about glimmers, the opposite of triggers. While triggers are cues of danger and stress, glimmers are cues of safety, leading to health, growth, and restoration. This concept of glimmers was popularized by Deb Dana. It comes from Polyvagal Theory. And if you want to learn more about that, go down to the links in the description for some of our other episodes on Polyvagel Theory. Here's the point we all have triggers and we all have glimmers. Triggers take us into sexual temptation. It could be a pain trigger that feels intolerable or a pleasure trigger that feels irresistible. Glimmers take us into joy, peace, and connection. A glimmer is a small moment of regulation, of relaxation, of experiencing life as it was meant to be, like in the Garden of Eden or in the new creation. Glimmers are glimpses of glory.

Real Life Glimmers You Can Notice

SPEAKER_02 1:30

Here are some examples of glimmers. Feeling the warm sun on your skin. I heard from someone who lives in Pennsylvania that it's been an especially harsh, cold winter, but this week they had a couple of sunny, warm days. Those are glimmers. A glimmer might be a long hug with a close friend or family member. Last night I had a glimmer when one of my kids made me laugh, and I was actually really stressed out. So this laughter erupted into multiple minutes of crying and not being able to stop laughing, and then everyone was laughing. Oh, so much stress relief. It was a glimmer for me. Another glimmer for me is when I'm driving through downtown Colorado Springs and I hit all the green lights. That is such a glimmer.

Healing Means Enjoying What’s Good

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Now you might be wondering, why are we talking about this? What does this have to do with healing and outgrowing porn? My friend, healing is not just about avoiding your triggers. It's about enjoying your glimmers. We are not primarily here to avoid what's bad, but to receive what's good. This is especially difficult for survivors of abuse, especially sexual abuse, because pleasure in our bodies has not always felt safe. Many of us need to learn how to enjoy life to the full so that porn loses its power

Negative Bias And The Glow Shift

SPEAKER_02 3:05

over us. And here's why that's hard. Because our brains have something called negative bias. Our brains are adapted to survive by remembering negative experiences, and it's a lot easier to forget positive experiences. Think about it this way: if you are part of a hunter-gatherer tribe walking through the forest, you are much more likely to remember the mushrooms that were poisonous and hurt or killed someone than the mushrooms that tasted good and were delicious. That's why triggers are sticky, and glimmers are slippery. Triggers stay with us automatically. It's part of how our brains are hardwired to survive. Triggers are sticky. Glimmers are slippery. They don't stay with us. They slide right off of us unless we savor them. And this is a huge insight. If you stay with a glimmer for 30 seconds or more, it can turn into a glow. And you can actually internalize it and have more joy and connection and peace in your life, but it doesn't happen without conscious, mental effort, and awareness. This is a huge insight and a paradigm shift for many of us who are outgrowing porn. It's important to minimize your triggers, and it's equally important to maximize your glimmers. We minimize our triggers by removing access to porn, separating ourselves from toxic environments and relationships. We maximize our glimmers by creating space to savor goodness and beauty and truth so that we can digest it and it can nourish us. And this delivers us from feeling triggered all the time. Maybe we can feel glimmered. That's a new word I just invented. Feeling glimmered. I love it.

Three Ways To Savor Glimmers

SPEAKER_02 5:09

So, how do you maximize your glimmers? Here are three simple ideas. First, keep a gratitude journal. This is as simple as making a list of three things you're grateful for. Three glimmers in your life. Make a list. Become aware of them. This practice has been especially helpful for me when I do it at the start of the day, first thing in the morning. It can really set the tone and help me feel connected to God, to myself, to the people in my life, just simply by naming what and who I'm grateful for. Second, anytime anywhere, remember a recent glimmer and notice the details of it. As I remember my glimmer of laughing for multiple minutes last night, I notice the details of the tears running down my cheeks, looking to the side and seeing my kids light up with joy. Seeing my wife get out her phone and take a video of me unable to stop laughing. Ah, and take that in. This can be healing and regulating. Just using your imagination to remember and reconnect with a glimmer. And finally, my third idea is to share your glimmer with a friend. Enjoy it together. Joy feels incomplete until it's shared. So if you're a member of the husband material community, I invite you to share one of your glimmers with us after listening to this episode.

A Short Breathing Glimmer Practice

SPEAKER_02 6:48

And even if you're not part of the husband material community, I want to end this episode with a very brief exercise. Let's start by taking a few deep breaths. As you breathe, notice one of your glimmers.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

A recent moment of joy, peace, and connection. Remember the details. Remember what you saw, what you heard, how you felt.

SPEAKER_02 7:32

Take a moment to treasure that experience and let it nourish you.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

Take it in.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

And in this moment, allow yourself to receive what's good as that glimmer becomes a glow. My friend, on your healing adventure, may your triggers be minimized and may your glimmers be maximized. Always remember that you are God's beloved Son, and you he is well pleased.