Why Does Freedom From Porn Feel Impossible?

Learn the real reason why freedom from porn feels impossible with insights from one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption. 

“Your brain doesn’t want new things. It wants old things that it already knows how to survive.” —Chase Hughes

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Transcript

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Welcome And The Promise Of Freedom

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Husband Material Podcast, where we help Christian men outgrow porn. Why? So you can change your brain, heal your heart, and save your relationship. My name is Drew Boa, and I'm here to show you how. Let's go.

Why Porn Freedom Feels Impossible

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Today we are talking about the deeply heartbreaking question of why freedom from porn and other unwanted sexual behavior can feel impossible. If you have spent most of your life stuck in the cycle of sexual shame and acting out, and you've been trying to quit for so long that you're starting to lose hope and you wonder if you should just give up, this episode is for you. It's also for you if you have experienced tremendous healing and self-awareness and compassion and connection, but you still don't see much change in your sexual behavior. Over the next few minutes, I want to help you understand what's going on in your brain and in your body and why freedom from porn can feel so impossible. The reason why you're struggling is not because of desire. You want to be free. You've invested time, money, emotional energy, relationships, you've sacrificed for freedom. The core issue is not a lack of desire, the core issue is despair.

Shawshank As A Recovery Parable

SPEAKER_01 1:29

And I want to show you what I mean with an illustration from one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption. If you've never seen the Shawshank Redemption, you should definitely watch it. This movie is a parable for all of us in recovery from any kind of addiction. It's a movie about a state penitentiary that follows the inmates through multiple decades of how their lives change and evolve. And there is one character who I want to highlight. His name is Brooks Hatland. He's the prison librarian, a gentle, caring man who spent most of his life in the Shawshank prison. By the time he's released, he's old, he's slow, he's weary. And most importantly, he is completely institutionalized to the point that the only life he knows is the one that he has lost, his life in prison. And once he gets out, all he wants to do is go back. Instead of seeing his release from prison as newfound freedom, he experiences it as disorientation and anxiety. He daydreams about breaking his parole, committing a crime, anything to go back to Shawshank, even though it was a horrible place to live. Why? Why did freedom feel so impossible for Brooks Hatlan?

Safety Glory Connection Keep You Stuck

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Three primary reasons safety, glory, and connection. In prison, he had a version of each of those things. He had safety. As the prison librarian, he had a daily routine that he could depend on where he knew exactly what to do, and he was able to do it. Once he's released from prison, we see him completely bewildered on a busy street with fast cars going by. He has a job at a grocery store where he can't keep up trying to pack grocery items into plastic bags. The supposedly desirable outcome of finally being free from this prison only creates fear because Brooks has lost a sense of safety and certainty. And as he says in the movie, the world went and got itself in a big damn hurry. Prison also gave Brooks a kind of glory, a sense of identity, status, and purpose. He was somebody there. People knew his name. He had a role to play as the librarian. On the outside, he felt like a nobody. He experienced so much shame. And finally, in prison, he had connection. He had a community. He had friends. On the outside, he had nobody. He was all alone. And this helps us understand why life outside of that prison actually felt more like slavery, and he would do anything to go back.

Familiarity Beats Health In The Brain

SPEAKER_01 4:36

Why? Chase Hughes says it best. Your nervous system does not want what is healthy, it wants what is familiar. Your brain doesn't want new things, it wants old things that it already knows how to survive. That's Brooks Hatlan, and that is every man outgrowing porn. Guys, our nervous systems don't want what's healthy. They want what's familiar. And for most of us, porn is a comfortable cage. It's the prison that you have been locked in for most of your life. And your brain doesn't want new things. It wants the old things that it already knows how to survive, even if those old things are destructive and hurtful and damaging. That is our predicament. That is why freedom from porn feels so impossible. Because just like Brooks Hatland, the old routines, the old identity, and the old counterfeit connections have become so familiar that to give them up does not feel like freedom. It feels like fear, shame, disconnection. The big difference between Shawshank State Penitentiary and the prison of porn is that there are many ways to get back into the prison of porn. It's accessible. So even though it might be easier to leave the place for a while, it's also a lot easier to get back

Red Shows The Difference Hope

SPEAKER_01 6:00

in. So what can be done? Thankfully, the Shawshank Redemption gives us another picture of what's possible in the character of Red. Ellis Redding, in many ways, is just like Brooks. He has spent most of his life in the Shawshank State Penitentiary. It's a safe place for him in the sense that it is familiar, it's what he knows, he can navigate it without almost any effort. It's automatic for him to exist there. It also gives him that sense of glory or identity because, like Brooks, Red is respected there. He's reliable. He's the guy who knows how to get things. And like Brooks, once he gets out of prison, life becomes unbearable. He's totally disoriented, he's anxious all the time, he's alone, and he has lost his identity. He has lost his sense of purpose. And he dreams of going back to prison. And like Brooks, he even considers ending his life. There is one difference between Red and Brooks. And I won't give away exactly what happens. But Red has a friend who leaves him with a letter, some money, and a path forward, an invitation to an adventure. The main difference between Red and Brooks is hope. Guys, if you have been sexually stuck in the prison of porn for most of your life, and maybe even pursuing recovery for years and years, like all the inmates at Shawshank, you desire freedom. You really do, or else you wouldn't be listening to me right now. Freedom doesn't feel

Despair Learned Powerlessness And Painful Hope

SPEAKER_01 7:41

impossible because you don't want it badly enough, or because you don't have enough willpower, or because you don't have enough strategies or techniques or insights or information. I think the deepest reason why freedom feels impossible is the same reason why Brooks Hatland and Ellis Redding felt better inside prison than outside of it. The reason is despair, learned powerlessness, the erosion of hope, the loss of meaning, and ultimately resignation. As Dan Allender has said, every addiction is an attempt to slay hope. Why? Because hope is painful. Hope can be disappointing. Hope requires that we want something that we don't have or that we feel a tension between what we truly desire and what we're experiencing right now. And if freedom feels impossible for you, it's not primarily due to a lack of insight or a lack of desire or a lack of willpower. It's because hope is painful and risky and vulnerable. And yet hope is what made the difference between Brooks and Red. I challenge you to follow the example of Red and choose hope.

Choosing Hope In Practical Steps

SPEAKER_01 8:55

What does that look like practically in outgrowing porn? It looks like letting go of the sexualized safety that porn promises and embracing vulnerability, allowing myself to be woundable so that I can be healable. It looks like letting go of my old identities and the lies I've believed about myself and the sense of status or glory that I've gotten from porn and embracing a new identity as God's beloved son. It also looks like letting go of comfortable community to risk deeper, more transformative friendship. The prison of porn gets its power from familiarity. That's why freedom feels impossible sometimes. Because when the world outside of porn becomes unbearable, we feel the pull of that comfortable cage. In those moments, choose hope. When you have hope, freedom becomes bearable. As Red said in the Shawshank Redemption, hope is a dangerous thing. And as his friend Andy told him, hope is a good thing, maybe even the best of things.

Blessing And Final Charge

SPEAKER_01 10:07

So I want to leave you with a blessing from the book of Romans, chapter 15, verse 13. This is my prayer for you today. If you have felt like freedom from porn is impossible, may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Don't let despair win. Reject resignation. Choose hope. Every addiction is an attempt to slay hope, and every time you choose hope, freedom becomes bearable. Always remember you are God's beloved son. In you, he is well pleased.